The blues

I got the blues. It happened after rock climbing, and I realized in writing this post after being contacted by a former boy friend.

I climbed well enough, but I was disappointed that I couldn't climb better. Also my last climb I didn't think was going to be my last, so I felt like I had one more chance to climb better. It didn't work out that way, and I was left feeling psychologically exhausted, spent, frustrated.

I know that rock climbing is something that is hard to train for other than doing it and it is something I haven't done it over a year. But it still discouraged me. I'm not sure why it hit so hard.

My former boyfriend is going to be in Portland for Memorial Day visiting friends and family and was checking to see if I wanted to meet up. I talked to my wonderful loving husband who has a good view of the male species and figures he needed and ego boost so contacted me because I am nice and accepting of people (Joey is also wonderful enough not to object meeting him if that I what I chose). In emailing back and forth, ultimately I realized that what was bothering me so much was ex boyfriend's acting like we are good friends, so automaticly I was too. But the reality is that I was very hurt when our relationship ended, and on some level still am. It ended fairly abruptly (I felt) especially because it came at a the lowest low of my life to date. I felt abandoned by everyone who meant anything to me. Trying to figure out who I wanted to be by experiencing who I didn't want to be, and deciding what I really wanted out of life. Ultimately the experience led me to strong self reliance, and self definition; Then meeting and dating my now-husband. But it was a very painful growth. To grow we must submit ourselves to change.

I'm glad it all worked out the way it did. But I still get emotional thinking about that time in my life. I decided to express my feelings to un named exboyfriend and tell him I didn't really want to see him, and have received some peace in the closure it has brought, even though I don't know if he understands. I have decided I don't have to be friends with him yet, or maybe ever. I will be affable, amiable, and pleasant. But I don't have to be anymore than that.

Overall I have overcome the deepest part of my funk, but I have yet to overcome my exercise blues. I had been exercising and hour a day, six days a week. Now I find it hard to muster the motivation to exercise even 30 min three times a week. It one of those ironies of life because exercise makes your feel better, and makes you more motivated. Its just the getting started that is difficult.

Through all of it I have realize just how much my husband means to me, and how wonderful he is. It is easy to take for granted those who we are always around. I don't know what I would do without him, (I know I would survive and work it out but I would prefer to have him in my life). His unconditional love and acceptance has helped me grow in ways I don't know if I could by myself. I, in turn, have helped him through a tough time in his life as well. I feel so blessed that a chance meeting at a lighthouse could have turned into something so wonderful. Marriage definitely isn't always easy, but it is more than worth it. This post wasn't at all what I had in mind to write. Hope you don't mind my onslaught of feelings. :)